On Moving Forward - Slowly

Yesterday I threw out most of my running gear.  This was not a deliberate attempt to take up a sedentary lifestyle but a recognition that A) most of it was no longer usable and B) that I was very unlikely to be able to use it again.

For a few years during my 30s I was a keen runner, getting up early each weekday to run before breakfast and running 10 miles home from work one day and 10 miles back the next.  Then it all changed.  In 1995 I was training for my fourth marathon when I went in a month from doing 16 mile runs to hardly being able to walk up a flight of stairs.  Slowly the reasons became apparent, my asthma was out of control and I had acid reflux (later shown to be caused by stomach ulcers) but I didn't get better.  I was plague by chest infections and every time I tried to get back to running I would fall ill with yet another infection.  Eventually, after about 12 years, I was diagnosed with bronchiectasis (dead areas of lung) and put on medication to keep it under control and although this has improved my health it hasn't been enough for me to go back to running.

The first few years after I stopped running were the worst as I thought I'd soon be able to start running again and each time I went for a run and then fell ill was like a hammer blow.  At this time I couldn't bring myself to clear out my running gear as it seemed like an admission of defeat.  So I said I'd leave it for 10 years, then 12 and then 15 but each time I couldn't bring myself to touch it as it felt too painful.  Now, 17 years on, it felt right and I don't have any regrets about what I've done.

Now is the right time because I have finally accepted that my running days are over as my lungs just won't take the stress.  Of course I could have got rid of it ages ago but I would always have wondered about whether I could have got running again.

When life serves up disappointment it is easy to tell yourself to get over it and to move on but that isn't always the right thing to do.  Sometimes you have to let the pain and disappointment run their course until one day you realise it no longer matters and you can get on with the rest of your life.

Suffering 2

For a while I have been completely without an idea to write a poem (prayer/mediation may be more accurate) so when an idea popped into my head at the weekend I was pleased until I realised that I had already written that poem and even blogged it! (http://brainatthedoor.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/suffering.html)

However after a while I realised I had moved on and although the initial idea was the same there was more to say.  In this I have started with my complaint to God but moved on to the things I have learnt over the last year - I'm not saying God "spoke these words" to me but this is what I now understand; next year it could be different again.

PAIN 2

Why does it still hurt?

Over a year has past,

Life has gone on,

Things have got better.

So why does it still hurt?

Time has taken the edge,

Dulled the blow

That Breaks the heart.

So why does it still hurt?

Why, below the ebb and flow of life

Does pain still lurk?

Waiting to catch you off guard?

A photo

A person

A memory

That opens the depths

And lets the pain flood out.

With the Psalmist I cry

“How Long.”

How long must I carry this pain?

How often must I fight my anger?

How long will I wait to find peace?

“My child, You will carry this pain

Until the world finds peace.

Not an absence of war

But a peace between all people.

My Peace

That passes understanding.

Until that great and glorious day

You will carry that pain.

And it will give you wisdom.

Wisdom not to hurt others.

Wisdom to protect others from pain.

Wisdom to stand with the hurt and downtrodden.

Do not despair

For you are not on your own.

I have already carried your pain

And hung it on a cross

So that I can be with you

Each painful step of the way.”

Suffering

Some of my Christian friends have recently been suffering because of actions taken by other Christians.  Recently this has got a bit closer to home and this led me to write the following poem.

PAIN

It hurts.

Not physically

But my body feels empty;

Gutted.

Why do people behave like this?

Why do Christians behave like this?

You are a God of love,

And justice.

But they deny justice.

Working behind closed doors

Hearing one side,

Finding guilty without a hearing.

We are meant to show the world your love

Your justice.

But it is denied

In the church that bears your name.

It hurts.

But you share our hurt.

You were denied a fair trial,

You were condemned for no crime,

You, the one without sin, found guilty.

Yet you willingly bore the pain

The rejection

The injustice.

You bore it for us.

Help us to bear our hurt

And not look for revenge.

Help us, like you, to love;

Love even those who hurt us.