Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Pink Floyd

I have long been a Pink Floyd fan and knew that some of their work was about break downs and mental illness but I never thought that I would find that they had described my situation so well.

However part of Dark Side of the Moon was going through my head the day I was admitted to hospital following my breakdown. I don’t know why I thought of it but at the time it just seemed right. Looking it up I seem to have merged 2 verses together from the track Brain Damage because all that went through my head for several hours was this:

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

Not only did they feel right at the time but looking back they are so accurate. I had so lost contact with reality that it was like being in a band where everyone else was playing a different piece of music, I felt as if my head had exploded and all the while I was screaming inside – where no-one can hear.

While I was in hospital I began to improve but I felt as if I was walking in a dream and that all my emotions were happening at a distance. I became fairly content with my lot but I wasn’t feeling anything properly; I began to think of myself as Comfortably Numb – the title of one of the tracks on the Pink Floyd album The Wall.

When I left hospital and entered a period of counselling I began to realise that I was more like the central character in The Wall than I realised. Like that character I had gradually withdrawn into myself until I had no real deep contact with anyone but myself. As a result I was only looking at life from my point of view; it was me against the world and I was always right.

Gradually the reasons why I became like this began to surface, going back to my teens and before, but without, as far as I could see, anyway of dealing with them. Then, quite suddenly, a couple of things happened that moved me forward so fast it surprised me. My counsellor saw the change and believes that I have got as far as I can with this treatment for now so next week will be my final session. I may need more sessions in the future but for now I should be able to get on with my life without it.

In Pink Floyd terms it could be described as my walls coming down but to me it feels much deeper. I feel like a new person. I can look back at how I behaved and treated people and now see that I was wrong, I can feel sorry for what I did but I can’t regret it because that was how I was and not how I am. To use a Biblical phrase I feel as if I’ve been born again.

I don’t expect like to suddenly become perfect, I know that there will be ups and downs but I now understand myself better and believe that I should be able to cope.

1 comment:

Helen said...

You've made so much progress and I even remember now why it was I fell in love with you and married you! :)

You are a completely different person from the one you were last year.

Love you xxx