Newbury set to restage Saturday's ill-fated meeting on Friday after the death of two horses
Do they really mean that? Do 2 horses have to die before they can hold they meeting?
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Monday, 14 February 2011
Animal Sacrifice?
I just spotted this at the top of the BBC News Sports page:
Newbury set to restage Saturday's ill-fated meeting on Friday after the death of two horses
Do they really mean that? Do 2 horses have to die before they can hold they meeting?
Newbury set to restage Saturday's ill-fated meeting on Friday after the death of two horses
Do they really mean that? Do 2 horses have to die before they can hold they meeting?
Friday, 13 August 2010
Dinner
The other night I was stir-frying dinner when I asked my wife if should prefer a bread roll with it instead of rice or noodles. She looked at me as if I had gone mad and told me that she didn't think a roll was a sensible suggestion.
So I looked straight at her and said:
wait for it
"Surely you've heard of wok and roll!"
So I looked straight at her and said:
wait for it
"Surely you've heard of wok and roll!"
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Made with WHAT?
My local supermarket is at it again. Last Monday I noticed this sign:
What puzzles me is how they make doughnuts without any dough or sugar! Obviously they do because the sign says they are "made with 100% raspberry jam" - nothing else, just raspberry jam. Needless to say I played safe and bought custard doughnuts instead.
What puzzles me is how they make doughnuts without any dough or sugar! Obviously they do because the sign says they are "made with 100% raspberry jam" - nothing else, just raspberry jam. Needless to say I played safe and bought custard doughnuts instead.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Health Scare
With all the fuss going on about meat and milk from cloned cows entering the food chain another health scare has largely gone unnoticed.
Scientists have discovered that the hole in a doughnut and the hole in a toilet seat have exactly the same chemical composition. It is not yet known whether this is a coincidence or whether there has been some cross contamination.
The health implications are not yet clear and, although no cases of someone falling ill from this source have been reported, the government is taking a cautious line and asking the public not to use toilet seats until it can be shown that they do not cause a fatal level of obesity.
Scientists have discovered that the hole in a doughnut and the hole in a toilet seat have exactly the same chemical composition. It is not yet known whether this is a coincidence or whether there has been some cross contamination.
The health implications are not yet clear and, although no cases of someone falling ill from this source have been reported, the government is taking a cautious line and asking the public not to use toilet seats until it can be shown that they do not cause a fatal level of obesity.
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Silence
The other night I woke up at about 4am and it was silent. That is so unusual in London that I noticed it. I enjoyed it; that wonderful peace of silence.
However something worried me, why hadn't I 'heard' this before? The answer was simple, I usually heard birdsong at that time but now there wasn't any.
Over the last few weeks a group of crows (or rooks - I can't tell the difference) and some magpies have been around and they have either frightened away or killed the birds that sang. All that is left are sparrows, pigeons, starlings and martins; birds that don't sing to proclaim their territory.
In a way that is what it's like living with depression; everything goes on as normal but the birdsong is missing.
P.S. Is a black bird called Sid James a Carry On Crow?
However something worried me, why hadn't I 'heard' this before? The answer was simple, I usually heard birdsong at that time but now there wasn't any.
Over the last few weeks a group of crows (or rooks - I can't tell the difference) and some magpies have been around and they have either frightened away or killed the birds that sang. All that is left are sparrows, pigeons, starlings and martins; birds that don't sing to proclaim their territory.
In a way that is what it's like living with depression; everything goes on as normal but the birdsong is missing.
P.S. Is a black bird called Sid James a Carry On Crow?
Monday, 12 July 2010
Age Checked
This evening I bought a few items at Sainsbury's including my 'medicinal' chocolate and some wine. The cashier has carefully looked at me and confirmed that I was over 18 as shown on the receipt:
However did you notice what I bought? Yes it was 4 bottles of alcohol free wine! I was age checked to buy alcohol free wine - the only type I'm allowed on my current medication.
However did you notice what I bought? Yes it was 4 bottles of alcohol free wine! I was age checked to buy alcohol free wine - the only type I'm allowed on my current medication.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
Multibuy - not to be missed.
Doing the shopping last night I saw this wonderful offer:-
What worries me is how many people will buy 2 thinking they got a bargain.
What worries me is how many people will buy 2 thinking they got a bargain.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Films
Some headlines just make you smile and this one, that I just spotted on the BBC News site, did it for me:
Sex and the City 2 beaten by Shrek at US box office
My only problem is that I already have the box set of the Shrek trilogy as a Father's Day present so I'll end up with one loose DVD. Still this isn't the first time I've ended up with more than 3 things in a trilogy as I have all 6 books that make up ther Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and I have all 7 books that make up Asimov's brilliant Foundation Trilogy.
Sex and the City 2 beaten by Shrek at US box office
My only problem is that I already have the box set of the Shrek trilogy as a Father's Day present so I'll end up with one loose DVD. Still this isn't the first time I've ended up with more than 3 things in a trilogy as I have all 6 books that make up ther Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and I have all 7 books that make up Asimov's brilliant Foundation Trilogy.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
In-laws
In my last post I mentioned my son-in-law which seemed perfectly natural since he married my daughter 4 weeks ago. Of course this makes me a father-in-law which I quite like but my wife isn't so happy as she has become a mother-in-law. Why are all the jokes about mothers-in-law (Les Dawson - 'My mother-in-law has got a job at Heathrow - kick starting jumbo jets.') but none about the father-in-law?
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Why Goodyear Left GP Racing
Earlier today I was wearing my new shoes, bought for my daughters wedding in 9 days time, around the house to roughen up the soles before the big day. They are probably the best shoes I have ever owned and I doubt if I would have bought them if they hadn't been half price!
Shiny aren't they. However trying to walk on a carpet in them is like walking on ice; there is absolutely no grip. It was only when I looked at the sole that the reason became clear:
Here is a clearer picture:
Yes, they have parts made by Goodyear who left GP racing in 1998. Now if their GP tyres had as much grip as my shoes it's no wonder they left!
Shiny aren't they. However trying to walk on a carpet in them is like walking on ice; there is absolutely no grip. It was only when I looked at the sole that the reason became clear:
Here is a clearer picture:
Yes, they have parts made by Goodyear who left GP racing in 1998. Now if their GP tyres had as much grip as my shoes it's no wonder they left!
Monday, 12 April 2010
Bathroom Finish
Here, at last, is an image of the finished bathroom:
No a great picture I know but is very difficult to get a picture in a small room.
We had an amusing side effect of the work yesterday evening when foam started to come out of the front of the washing machine. I suspect that means the water softener is working and we don't need as much washing poweder (or tablets) in teh wash from now on!
No a great picture I know but is very difficult to get a picture in a small room.
We had an amusing side effect of the work yesterday evening when foam started to come out of the front of the washing machine. I suspect that means the water softener is working and we don't need as much washing poweder (or tablets) in teh wash from now on!
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
How Are They Going To Do That?
I have just spotted a headline that says "More help for missing people" which begs the question if they are missing how do you find them to help them? Of course once you've found them they are no longer missing so they wouldn't get the help anyway.
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Time Warp?
I just received an e-mail from Amazon to tell me that an order had been shipped. Nothing odd in that except IT ARRIVED YESTERDAY.
Friday, 9 October 2009
Hospital Sign
Beckenham Hospital was recently re-built and re-named Beckenham Beacon (no - it doesn't make sense, a beacon is obviously where you go when injured or sick) and during this work this sign appeared:
The implication is obvious - those with sexual health issues are unclean and have to use a different door to everyone else. However it gets better - look at the location of the sign:
Didn't spot it? Look at this picture:
The arrow for the Sexual Health Clinic points straight to a 'No Entry' sign. Need I say more?
The implication is obvious - those with sexual health issues are unclean and have to use a different door to everyone else. However it gets better - look at the location of the sign:
Didn't spot it? Look at this picture:
The arrow for the Sexual Health Clinic points straight to a 'No Entry' sign. Need I say more?
Friday, 2 October 2009
Monday, 28 September 2009
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Dilemma
Here is one for all pedants that I found on the wonderful BBC H2G2 site (http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/)
Imagine you're travelling via British Rail to reach some sunny destination (yes - it can happen.) You've left your suitcase/holdall/internal frame backpack in the luggage rack at the end of the carriage where you would imagine it to be safe – that is, until you hear an 'important announcement':
Please do not leave unattended luggage anywhere on the train. Any unattended items may be removed without warning.
Without too much thought, you head down to the end of the carriage to attend to your bag. It's still there, but it's not doing anything particularly interesting, and you begin to wonder what all the fuss is about. Then you realise what the message actually meant: you must not leave unattended luggage. As you're standing there, your bag is by no means unattended. You are fully free to leave it, and do so immediately.
On the way back to your seat, however, you notice that someone has left their bag entirely on its own. You must not leave unattended luggage, so you stand next to it awaiting the owner's return. Unfortunately, the train reaches your stop before anyone comes to claim it. You panic about leaving the bag, but recall that 'unattended items may be removed without warning'. It's clear that you have no choice, so you take it with you as you head to pick up your own luggage. Fortunately enough, the police come round your house a week later to reclaim the unattended bag. However, some great misunderstanding ensues and you end up having to explain the above to an unsympathetic jury.
If only they'd had an announcement telling the bag's owner not to leave their luggage unattended.
Imagine you're travelling via British Rail to reach some sunny destination (yes - it can happen.) You've left your suitcase/holdall/internal frame backpack in the luggage rack at the end of the carriage where you would imagine it to be safe – that is, until you hear an 'important announcement':
Please do not leave unattended luggage anywhere on the train. Any unattended items may be removed without warning.
Without too much thought, you head down to the end of the carriage to attend to your bag. It's still there, but it's not doing anything particularly interesting, and you begin to wonder what all the fuss is about. Then you realise what the message actually meant: you must not leave unattended luggage. As you're standing there, your bag is by no means unattended. You are fully free to leave it, and do so immediately.
On the way back to your seat, however, you notice that someone has left their bag entirely on its own. You must not leave unattended luggage, so you stand next to it awaiting the owner's return. Unfortunately, the train reaches your stop before anyone comes to claim it. You panic about leaving the bag, but recall that 'unattended items may be removed without warning'. It's clear that you have no choice, so you take it with you as you head to pick up your own luggage. Fortunately enough, the police come round your house a week later to reclaim the unattended bag. However, some great misunderstanding ensues and you end up having to explain the above to an unsympathetic jury.
If only they'd had an announcement telling the bag's owner not to leave their luggage unattended.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Good Marketing!
E-bay just sent me an e-mail suggesting a product they thought I might want - hair straighteners! If you don't know why that's funny here is a picture of our wedding day 29 years ago.
It's about as appropriate as the time I won curling tongs in a raffle!
It's about as appropriate as the time I won curling tongs in a raffle!
Friday, 14 August 2009
The Right Answer?
A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with a class of 5 - 6 years olds. After explaining the commandment 'honour thy father and mother' she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without hesitation one little boy answered "Thou shalt not kill."
With thanks to Beattie in The Baptist Times.
With thanks to Beattie in The Baptist Times.
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